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Miserable

 This one word could describe my life right now. I am writing this because of the last book I read talking about how to re-organize your life.


32 days ago, my dad has gone. In the beginning, I couldn't cry. Now, I can't stop crying about everything. Everything reminds me of him. His favorite stuff became my nightmare. I dream of him every day, too.

One week from his death, I took my exams. I didn't remember how I did in them. I knew they were not how I supposed to do, but I am not aware of how I did. I wish I could have cried when he passed. I wanted to cry a lot but I didn't have the ability to face myself with the fact of his death. 

He died between my shoulders. I just saw his color turned to yellow like how my grandpa seemed before death. I heard my brother told him some prayers that a person says before death and I just shouted at him to stop. I spent time squeezing his feet to make him shocked. I even talked to him, I said don't go, don't leave me, not now, stay until my graduation, stay until I just could see you without studying without traveling. I wanted him to wait until we have time for each other. I didn't spend more time with him because of his traveling and classes. then, because of mine. 

I feel so lonely, so sticky at the moment I last saw him. I feel sad, this word may appear so weak, but sad not even SAD. That I don't have the energy to be that strong in my sadness. I feel weak, lonely, poor, and miserable. 

I am trying not to appear so weak, but what I am supposed to show! I hope this topic became the first step in helping me get my life back. 

Comments

  1. AnonymousMarch 27, 2021 at 12:49 AM

    I'm so sorry for your loss, Menna. No matter the distance between you two, you got to say goodbye to your father.

    I feel miserable for you. Losing a loved one is indescribable.
    Feel whatever you feel like, whenever. You are in pain- you aren't supposed to worry about "showing" people anything. They are supposed to by understanding and considering.

    You showed a strong mentality by going through final exams a week after, despite the shock. Talking about how your dad died shows how intense this was for you and your family, also shows that you are grieving right, and you're ready to talk about him. MennatuAllah, you can take all the time you need. It's okay not to be okay. Your friends hope you are going to be well. <3

    ReplyDelete

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