Miserable

 This one word could describe my life right now. I am writing this because of the last book I read talking about how to re-organize your life.

32 days ago, my dad has gone. In the beginning, I couldn't cry. Now, I can't stop crying about everything. Everything reminds me of him. His favorite stuff became my nightmare. I dream of him every day, too.

One week from his death, I took my exams. I didn't remember how I did in them. I knew they were not how I supposed to do, but I am not aware of how I did. I wish I could have cried when he passed. I wanted to cry a lot but I didn't have the ability to face myself with the fact of his death. 

He died between my shoulders. I just saw his color turned to yellow like how my grandpa seemed before death. I heard my brother told him some prayers that a person says before death and I just shouted at him to stop. I spent time squeezing his feet to make him shocked. I even talked to him, I said don't go, don't leave me, not now, stay until my graduation, stay until I just could see you without studying without traveling. I wanted him to wait until we have time for each other. I didn't spend more time with him because of his traveling and classes. then, because of mine. 

I feel so lonely, so sticky at the moment I last saw him. I feel sad, this word may appear so weak, but sad not even SAD. That I don't have the energy to be that strong in my sadness. I feel weak, lonely, poor, and miserable. 

I am trying not to appear so weak, but what I am supposed to show! I hope this topic became the first step in helping me get my life back.